Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And now...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim… I was bad before. I was totally bad. I was controlled by my lust and desires and ambition and ego. I didn’t know that I was blind, blind by the sins that empowered me deeply until I couldn’t differentiate between light and dark. It was enjoyable moment I had, but enjoyable in desperate way, in where lightless was usual things. I was wrong before to take everything on the right side. I was someone who commits her sins to the fullest before without knowing or taking anything or without anyone comes and show me where was the light….
and now, where am I? still drowning in my full-committed sins doing or vice versa?
The moment I hear those words, my heart shake. a terrible yell inside me echoing my mind. I feel that something’s wrong with me, but I don’t know where. but those words mean something to me? what is the thing????! I want the answer and I want it now! but nobody cares for me or perhaps I care less bout them. terrified about the nightmare haunting me, nearly suicide, I almost die in my tears. no one is there like always to show me their hands and help me to stand. no one….
I cry everyday, cry every single day. no one is there to wipe my tears away. all ‘alim’ people think a person like me has no chance anymore of repenting. not even a chance to have an intention of repenting. am I that bad? I dunno that inside me lies a heart naturally will lead me to the right path of light. my Creator is waiting for me. He is always there with me. I forget that. He always show His hand to me, I ignore that, He always console me with his words in Al-Quran, I take a glance only… but He is there for me. waiting for me. patiently, calling for me. I don’t realize that, I am busy raise everyone’s attention but I forget my Creator should be prioritize first as He makes me. subhanallah….

and now…

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